Give Yourself Some Grace.

 

    

Hey all, it’s Nini, an aspiring former people pleaser, scapegoat, and black sheep. I wanted to write a blog about my personal journey and all the lessons that I have learned along the way. My hopes are that you find this blog impactful and relatable. I hope that somewhere along the way you can find a little piece of me in you.  Before you continue, if you haven’t already read the first blog, it will help you understand more about me and why we are here on this journey and maybe even why you’re taking this journey with me.

    Growing up, I always felt like I wasn’t good enough but most recently the theme of my life has been giving yourself grace. I have literally been seeing it everywhere to the point that I had to stop and ask myself, what grace have I ever really given myself. I am a Capricorn sun, Aquarius moon with an Aquarius rising, so you can imagine how much of a perfectionist that I am. I have always been the type to start something, accomplish my goals and keep it moving to the next goal.

    I remember when I would fail at things my mom would get mad at me, I’d tell her that I was trying, and she’d respond that I wasn’t trying hard enough.   Especially in school, math was one of those subjects that would not click, it was always right before a test when the teacher was taking the final few questions that things would click for me.  Then by the grace of God, I would pass my test (won’t he, do it?).  Even though I passed the test, I would still only end up with a B in the class and for my mother, a B wasn’t good enough. It baffled me, how she would be upset with me knowing math was my worst subject, and she came from a generation where, (as she would always remind us) they only had arithmetic.  So, it wasn’t like she was of much help.

    Even when it came to me performing.  In chorus we always had Christmas concerts as well as spring concerts.  One for the student body and one in the evening for friends and family.  I remember when in high school, we traveled to a lot of different places to sing, she never came to one and when I earned a solo spot in one of the songs, we were performing I was beyond ecstatic because I had the courage to even audition and it was one of my favorite Christmas songs and I got it.  This solo was going to display my vocal talents to my community and peers, instead of celebrating with me she asked me “How come I never heard you sing?”, and so I sang for her right then (nervous as hell, but I sang), she said, “You have a nice voice”.  That didn’t make her show up to the performance though.  This memory wouldn’t have stuck with me and hurt as much, had she not gone to support my siblings in everything they did.  I think from that moment on, I grew a pattern of just creating and completing personal goals and moving on with my life.  

    The only thing was, things had to be done perfectly, if I messed up, I would be obsessed with redoing it until I could do it perfectly and consistently. This meant that I never stopped to congratulate myself.  In my mind it was what I was supposed to be doing and you don’t get congratulated for what you should be doing. Don’t get me wrong, I accepted the congratulations I did get from other people, but it wasn’t celebrated internally. The best way I can describe it is like being on autopilot, physically I am accepting it because that is the socially acceptable thing to do, but internally I accomplished another goal now it's on to the next.

    I started my awakening two years ago. I was seeing the world for what it was, and people around me were passing away.  In 2020 there was just so much going on in my life that I couldn’t keep it together, I lost about five people, my job had to lay people off and I was on one of them, I ended up at another job that I absolutely hated, and my anxiety was at its peak.  I felt my world just crashing around me. Although I had my fiancé and baby girl, I just couldn’t keep up mentally and I fell into my depression.

    During this time, I found myself buried in spirituality. Meditation helped a little bit but not as much as I needed it too.  I found out it was because at the time, I wasn’t conscious of what I was meditating for. I didn’t have any intentions except to calm my mind. There was so much that was going on in my mind that, hell, it was working. I stumbled across an Instagram post about doing shadow work. I looked it up to see exactly what it entailed and found out that I had indeed been doing it via meditation, but I also needed to write these things down.  I also learned that I needed to meditate with more purpose than what I had been.  Slowly, I started focusing on my purpose, becoming more in tune with my higher self and started my healing process.

    One morning I was outside speaking to the universe and mother nature (yes, I speak to the trees and the earth) and I realized that I needed to really start paying attention to my day-to-day accomplishments.  My best friend and Fiancé have always told me that I’ve accomplished so much in life, and that I’ve done things that many people haven’t, like going into the darkness alone and coming out who I am today.  It never really stuck because at the time, I wasn’t healing. I wasn’t in the mental state to take all of that in because I was still on the same autopilot setting that I had been on for all those years.  That day though, I realized that I had been abusing myself by not seeing the brighter side of things within myself. My whole life has been full of more gains than losses, even having been to hell and back, I still accomplished things people said I wouldn’t and leaped over obstacles that would have stopped others. My ambition and determination for survival made me into a beast but I had to also learn to be gentle with myself.  I cried to myself that day. It was a mixture of happiness and tears of persecution.   Even in that very moment of tears and feeling like I let myself down, I had to stop and congratulate myself because it was another cycle that I had just broken.  Since that moment, I stop and appreciate the things that I accomplish more.  Even if I am the only one celebrating. No one was there to really celebrate my wins growing up, so I didn’t, but today, that's different, I am celebrating. I did it! I challenge you to celebrate your wins and even if you feel there’s no one celebrating with you know that I am.

Stay blessed, stay grounded, stay protected and give yourself grace.

- The Spiritual Strategist 💗