The Pursuit of Survival Begins

            

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Nini, an aspiring former people pleaser, scapegoat, and black sheep. I wanted to write a blog about my personal journey and all the lessons that I have learned along the way. My hopes are that you find this blog impactful and relatable. I hope that somewhere along the way you can find a little piece of me in you. 

            Just like any empath, my story of course is one of trials and tribulations and the pursuit of survival. I say survival because I already had it in my mind that the pursuit of happiness was going to be hard to obtain, especially with the cards I was dealt, or the life that I signed up for before making my appearance on Earth. 

 I was adopted at about five or six years old. My birth mother was on drugs and unable to perform her motherly duties adequately and my father was an illegal immigrant from Honduras. He was always out working trying to provide the best he could for me and my brother. From what I know, my grandparents were not that responsible either. For much of the first three to four years of my life, my four-year-old brother was the parent. My younger sister was fortunate enough to be put into our adopted mothers care from birth. Thankfully she didn’t have to endure any of the things my brother and I did.

            Once I was adopted, I wish that I could say life got better for me, instead this is where my pursuit of survival kicked in.  My goal was to make it to graduation and then college, which I did.  You can probably assume this was not without a lot of obstacles from my earlier statements. Throughout this time, I became a people pleaser to avoid people getting upset and lashing out, I also became the scapegoat for some repressed issues that I now understand had nothing to do with me, but their own karmic cycles. The more my brother got into trouble at school for attention, and my sister got that attention my brother sought, the more I faded in the background. I found comfort there sometimes, but I was also at a crossroads because I was being the good kid, the one who had chorus performances, the one the teachers often bragged on but none of that was acknowledged.  I quickly learned to accept things for what they were.  I had bottled up all of these emotions that I eventually, by the age of seven, learned to calm with meditation.  It was at the age of twelve that I began harming myself to deal with the pain and emotions.  I had mastered cutting myself and hiding it underneath bangles and long sleeve shirts. By sixteen I no longer cared to fight back, I just had to make it to college, and I’d be out of there. 

     College came with a lot of fun and so many life lessons that I still needed to learn. In fact, I was still making the same mistakes and wondering why. On top of that I settled into my knack for being a people pleaser to avoid all kinds of confrontation and reaction from the people around me.  You could say I was “known” on campus, student body president, a Resident Assistant, a YouTube show that was getting local traction and I was even a recurring host for our school’s talent shows, let's not forget the handsome blue-eyed Scorpio that often held my attention. Life for me was good…. Until it wasn’t, again. 

The vicious cycle of pleasing people to avoid confrontation, being the scapegoat for others’ inability to take responsibility for their choices, and allowing myself to fall to the background, continued throughout much of my life. It’s true what they say, “If you don’t face your problems head on, they will catch up with you later in life”. Mine did. They hit me so hard that I was forced into my spiritual awakening.

 I am just starting to understand and break certain patterns of the cycle in order to navigate through my journey. I want to share my lessons and journey with you all in hopes that it could help someone including myself. Life handed me some lemons that I had to make lemonade with, but it will never make me bitter, it will and has just helped me to grow. I guess you could say that I am one of those warriors that the universe gave its tough battles too. Comment and subscribe. Let's get the conversations flowing.

Stay blessed, stay grounded and stay protected.

- The Spiritual Strategist 💗